Things I’m Supposed to Know, But I Don’t

I’m going to turn 148 years old in only a number of days. That’s a lot of human years to have been alive. Why am I not smarter?

I was thinking yesterday that there are a LOT of things I don’t know that a grown-ass woman my age probably should.

1. I don’t know my multiplication tables. Fourth grade was a busy one for me. I was absolutely swamped with responsibility. What with the piano lessons, baton twirling lessons and looking for my first husband, I had no time for math. I did however have plenty of time to pretend I was going to throw up every time Mrs. Butler would make us stand in front of the class to recite our “Times Tables.”

PS: I can’t play the piano and although I can twirl, no employer or husband has ever asked me to (because they don’t get me).

2. I don’t know how many weeks are in a pregnancy. I can hear women all the way to Nigeria collectively gasping over this one. I have birthed two babies. I have a grandchild. I have a 2nd grandchild on the way. But when my daughter starts talking about making it to 54 weeks or gets excited that she is now eleventy weeks pregnant, I just nod and try to mimic whatever facial expression she’s making. For all I kn0w, I gave birth to her at 112 weeks. (She was late.)

79 weeks pregnant with my daughter

3. I don’t know how to speak any other language. I lived in Germany twice. I’ve been to Mexico a couple times. In my defense, I am Southern. We’re not allowed.

4. I don’t know how to skate. Not roller, not ice, not through security or a sticky situation. No one ever taught me. I’d get invited to skating parties when I was a kid and I’d have to pretend my Uncle died or my Mother had unexpectedly given birth to a baby in a toilet.

5. I don’t know how to figure a tip. Once the tall man and I were out for dinner and I made an attempt to figure out the tip. Long story short, a waitress in Kansas City now owns half my hair care products and I have to buy her one beach ball a month for the rest of her life.

6. I don’t know how to spell recommendation. I always have to spell check. It feels like someone went a little overboard in the “M” department and also, it seems there should be a silent “Q” in there somewhere.

7. I don’t know who from whom or affect from effect. I do know their from there from they’re, but sometimes my fingers think faster than my brain and I make a mistake. I don’t get too excited about it because most of the people who read what I write are serving life sentences in West Virginia.

8. I don’t know why I had no boobs in my 20s when they mattered and then I woke up one day in my 40s looking like I’d been stung by nuclear scorpions in my general boobie region.  It’s a cruel joke. My first husband used to tell me to stop buying bras and start buying Band-aids. The joke’s on him, yo.

My 21st birthday AKA boobless birthday celebration.

I didn't even get boobs when I breastfed. It was like I put my baby on Weight Watchers.

9. I don’t know anything other than “TOUCHDOWN!” in football. Yes, my son played football since 3rd grade. Yes, every man I’ve ever been in a relationship loves football. Yes, I draw pretty pictures in my head and think about brownies and butterflies while football games are taking place.

The Big Dog played every season for 9 years, and I STILL don't know what first down means.

10. I don’t know how I fell in love so quickly. The boy known as Brady was wheeled out in front of me two years ago this June, and I was in love. Big, stupid, oh-my-god love. Actually I do know how I fell in love so quickly, but I just wanted an excuse to show off this photo of the very first moment I laid eyes on my Grandmonkey.

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