I’m 51 American years old. I own that. I started my blog the night before I turned 40 which must mean I’ve been alive on the internet for… holy cow, I should be rich by now. But, this isn’t about how long I’ve been writing completely unsuccessfully. This is about what I have to say to you – the YOUNGER women who are, (as we say in the South), “bless their hearts”…STARTING TO ANNOY ME.
So that you and I are clear, younger females,here are 8 quick & easy tips that’ll help you behave yourself in a more appropriate and thoughtful manner around this “older” woman.
Mother & Me
If I want your lame-ass pancakes at half-price, I will straight up ask for them. DO NOT ask me if I should be getting the senior discount. Otherwise I swear on all that is Maybelline that I will climb onto that booth like it’s a stripper stage in Vegas and I will victim-scream that you just threatened to stab me in my actual eye because I asked for more coffee. Do not test me on this.
Yes, you were right to assume that the only reason I’d be at Home Depot is to check out the Hillary pantsuit section. Please come show me where exactly to find them. PS: Film at 11.
“I hope I look this good when I’m your age someday,” is not a complement and we both know it.
Inside you’re just doing the math, trying to carry the one and take away four to determine how long you have until your chin starts to do that thing mine is doing where you “accidentally” write down the number Honey Boo-Boo’s mom shared on TV about a procedure that removes unsightly chin wag.
So, yeah you looked gorgeous at the beach last time we were there and I had a secret wish about you, but you’d never guess.
I wished you’d cover up and get under an umbrella. That’s because I had recently had a chunk removed from my nose because I was once willing to bake myself like a loaf to look “good.” Don’t.
PS: Stop buying your swimwear at “We Only Sell Shoestrings and Small Bandages So Stop Thinking We Sell Swimsuits.”
You know that thing you tell yourself about how excited you are for the kids to grow up and get out of the house?
Liar, liar, Hillary pants on fire. When the last one leaves you will literally stand in front of your refrigerator and wonder if you could freeze yourself to death because you are too sad to even turn on the oven and shove your head in. Prepare yourself by holding ice cubes in your hands.
Everything you ever frowned upon, regarded thoughtfully while furrowing your brow, or pursed your lips to kiss will live on your face and no amount of drugstore witchery or industrial Russian Spackle can hide any of it.
Learn to be okay with it or duck lips and plastic are your future.
Inside, I feel younger than you. Truth be told, you feel younger than you. While my body hurts, and my brain leaves me hanging sometimes, I’m still 15 years old.
I’m still riding around the Forest City Mall in North Carolina with my best friend in the universe, Kaye Webb. We’d hang our purses around the rear-view mirror of the Citation she drove because we thought it was funny, talk to other people we’d see, and giggle about absolutely everything. Even when I’m ninety my brain will take me back there any time I want. So remember that, okay? I DON’T FEEL OLD on the inside!!
Don’t talk to me like I’m mentally challenged.
Your vagina is gonna do weird stuff and not like in your 30s weird stuff.
I saved the worst for last for a reason. Think of your vagina like a gift from the gods when you’re in your 30s, knowing that in your 50s it’s more like a gift from a group of old, white, Senate Republicans who know what’s best for vaginas.
And, know this, younger woman, no one is going to ride in on a white horse to save your vagina either. You ever see sexy commercials on TV with a man rolling around on a bed trying to get us to talk to our doctors about our Republican majority vaginas? Exactly.
It’s like the Wild West out here, just trying to figure out how to make things work on our own. Some say a caring partner is key. Some say an old truck battery from a ’91 Ford is the only hope.
Smoke ’em if you got ’em, dear. And next time you see me? You’d better act right.