Yesterday I had a bad haircut. If you are female, you know just how awful those words are, and you can sympathize with what I’m going through right now. It’s just about the worst feeling in the world, second only to being stoned to death.
I am distraught. I am angry. I am ugly as homemade sin.
I decided the best thing to do is serve as a PSA for the rest of the women of the entire world. That’s why I’ve written:
Top 10 Signs You’ve Just Gotten a Bad Haircut
1. A Jerry Springer producer taps you on the shoulder at the grocery store and says, “We are looking for uninformed hill women who married their brother, but not by accident. We think you’d be perfect.”
2. You asked for a bob, but your “stylist” thought you meant her husband Bob, who never wears a shirt, thinks tighty-whities are acceptable beach wear so long as you tuck your junk, and who proudly holds the world’s record for the highest number of Moon Pies ever eaten in one sitting.
3. The chick with the scissors asks, “Okay, so I’m onto phase two now. Are you ready for phase two of your haircut?”
4. Two women in the ladies’ room report you to management because men shouldn’t be allowed to use the women’s restroom, no matter how mentally challenged they are.
5. When you ask the chick cutting your hair how long she’s lived in the area, she answers, “Well, 29 years total if you count the time I did.”
6. You would rather light your uterus on fire with grain alcohol and a match you found on the floor of the urinal you were forced to use (see #4) than take a selfie.
7. Toddlers point because even they know humans are not supposed to have giant boxes for heads.
8. In an effort to draw the eye away from your cartoon head, you use last year’s Christmas decor to tie giant, sequined bows around your waist and hang jingle bells from your lady business.
9. You cry in the shower and beg the god of beauty school dropouts to bring locusts and warts to anyone who says to you, “It’s just hair. It’ll grow back.”
10. You spend at least 4 hours, but no more than 72, Googling things like, ‘where do I find illegal follicle drugs on the internet,’ and ‘if I stand on my head while drinking tequila and Kool-aid, will my hair grow faster?’